Hey Abigail
Become a Hey Abigail
Dealing with loss

"Hi. I’m Fifteen years old. A few years ago I met a guy and I really liked him. When he asked me out I was forced to say no because my parents thought that I was too young. For 4 months he didn’t talk to me, but fortunately he finally came around, and we basically restarted our whole relationship. He became my best guy friend. Since he didn’t go to my school, I felt like I could tell him everything, and wouldn’t be judged. Then just two weeks ago, he asked me out again and said that he wanted to give “us” another chance. Since I was finally old enough and I still kind of liked him, I said yes. I was so excited because he was my first Boyfriend and he wasn’t like all of the other guys who are jerks.

The problem is that in these past two years, I have had to undergo a few very stressful problems. At age 7 my parents got divorced. That wasn’t much of a problem for me since I was so young, however in 8th grade, it really hit me hard when my dad kicked my step mother and step brother out of the house. My step brother was only 2 years older than me. Him and I had been extremely close since I was in 3rd grade. Unfortunately he had run into some problems with drugs and alcohol. When my father found out, he immediately kicked my step brother and step mother out. I never heard from them ever again. That put a lot of stress on me, because I felt like I had just lost two people that I was very close to.
Then just this past year I found out something terrible. I found out that my uncle abused my cousins Since his wife was only related to us through marriage, she stopped talking to us, because she didn’t want to be associated with us in any way. I haven’t talked to either her or my, now 4 year old cousin, in 4 and 1/2 months. I felt like I had just lost 3 more people.
Now whenever I think of my boyfriend, even though I was so excited in the beginning, all I can think of is how our relationship obviously won’t last forever, and why I should try because the more serious it gets is only the worse that it will be when we break up. I have lost so many people in the past 2 years, that I am now absolutely horrified at the thought of losing anyone else. I have been so terrified that I haven’t even talked to him in a week.
I don’t know what to do! Please Help!!"

*Manda*

 

Manda,
Thanks so much for writing to Hey Abigail. First off I just want to say that I am so deeply sorry for your loses. I can't imagine what you have been through. My heart breaks for you and I am sending you the biggest virtual hug possible.
With that being said it is very understandable that you would have problems trusting again after such losses. Although, it's important to remember that your boyfriend is not your uncle or your step mother or brother or dad. This doesn't mean that you just automatically say, " I get it, I'm projecting my fear of loss on every person that enters my life...so my boyfriend must be safe". Because this will cause you to flip in the other direction and will cause you only to be hurt again.
Trust is something that is earned over time. And it sure sounds like your boyfriend is doing a great job at showing you that he is a trustworthy person.
Fear can be crippling. Fear of loss can be overwhelming. But remember that even though you are afraid of intimate relationships right now for fear of being hurt...that intimacy with others is at the heart of happiness and community. Without it, life can feel very lonely.
I would suggest that you see if there is a counselor at school you can speak with to sort out your feelings and deal with what life has thrown at you which is too much for any one person to handle alone. If not, I would suggest that you ask your parents if they could take you to a counselor.
Please keep me posted.
Remember we can't do it alone,
Abigail

 


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